Trial and error sucks, really. I'd rather come out of the gate flying high and nailing the hurdles one after the other. This seems like the approach I've taken most of my life -- to fling myself into a project and not give myself the time or practice for mastery. No patience for the journey. And the end result shows it -- it's messy, sloppy, half-assed. Not that I didn't give it my all, I just didn't have the skills to do it expertly. So it comes out very amateurish.
Not attractive. Or something that I feel very proud of.
So -- Patience -- this is a practice.
I have been "out of a job" since October of 2017. That is 19 months. Holy shit. This is the source of my terror -- that I am unwanted and do not offer value. And it makes me wonder, this lifelong flinging into efforts to see what sticks, not really perfecting or excelling at anything in particular - is this the result? I can smooth-talk my way out of that and show results and experience on a resume that might sound impressive to you, but this is really the core of the issue isn't it? What have I really built mastery around in all my years in industry?
So these last months have been a roller coaster of beating myself up and dusting myself off over and over again. I have been impatient with myself. And if ABUNDANCE is my word for this year, what does that look like when I can bring abundant thinking into my heart for myself? I think it looks a lot less pathetic. My better half said to me the other day, as I fell apart (again), "Enough of this pity party."
Here we go
I am going to master the following things -- with patient and diligent practice. And patience for the process, not expecting to be a pro at these but expecting that I will get better and better as I apply myself. I want to be great at these things. I am not washed up or out of time. I have today, right now, and, God willing, many days after.
1) Yoga -- I am taking teacher training this summer to help me achieve this, and keeping it as a consistent practice. I love that I have been doing this now for almost 4 years. By the time I'm 50 I will feel pretty darn masterful.
2) Painting -- I am going to continue giving myself assignments to paint, trying different techniques and subjects, with the goal of creating flow in my work. Within the next 2 years I will apply to McGuffey so that I can be around professional artists and heighten my inspiration. I will give myself time to create studies that allow me to approach the final canvas with insight. By the time I'm 50 I will be selling my work.
3) Consulting -- I am reworking my website to speak to the things I most love doing; I will become an expert at these things for my clients. I will have my work and time for my family life, which is the ultimate win. I will be asked to speak at events, and will write articles for industry journals, speaking as a unique voice for technical creativity. By the time I'm 50 I will be turning down work because I will be busy enough and earning enough to maintain the life balance I love.
Boom !! Now that's a better way of thinking.
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