Self Loathing

How pathetic! Yet, here I am.

I've been thinking a lot about how much I rely on external sources for affirmation. I have always been a huge empathic person, and exquisitely (painfully) aware of the moods and movements of those around me and how I might be affecting them (causing something). And I really (really!!!) want to develop enough self-esteem that I can sit comfortably with myself and within myself to just BE myself. And be chill with that. That is my goal. My mission.

And YET.

How can we not rely on external value confirmation when it comes to our careers? I mean, if you have a job with a company that values you, it means you have some stability and opportunity. Right? But if you're me, and you're not supposed to feel down that you are still (STILL) "between jobs" how do you measure your value? Your contribution? I have not been offered a job. I have applied. I have even interviewed. And I have NOT. BEEN. OFFERED. ANY. JOB. None!!  Not ONE!  Rejected! I am not valued by these potential employers!  Why ?????

I start picking apart all the conversations and relationships that I've had. I start seeing myself through "their eyes" and seeing how uninteresting I am. How little I brought to the table. How poorly I contributed.

And now I find myself wandering aimlessly. Not really interested in anything. Not enough to hunt it down and make it mine. Hard to get my brain engaged in anything at all. Like I've lost steam. Been gutted somehow. Empty. Tired.

Pathetic.