I love a rainy day

Rainy, gloomy, cold, windy. It's winter and this weather matches my frame of mind. I've noticed lately that when the weather shifts and we get an unseasonable day that brings sun and a warm breeze that I feel a little panicky. What a crazy response. But when I dissect it and try to understand the response, I think it's all about this purgatory I'm in, between being successfully engaged and a disappointing deadbeat.  A rainy day doesn't put pressure on me to be happy, to have my long list of "shoulds" done. It temps me to lay on the couch all day and watch a decorating show (which I never do frankly because, guilt).

There's also a positive side to rainy or snowy stay-inside days. Like the stillness that comes with them. The comfort of holing up inside a warm, safe house. It's like being incubated. No need to venture into the twisty, sharp-edged, vivid world. Just stay inside. Stay in your soft clothes. Comfy cozy.

Yep. And lame.

Fine if I've had an amazingly productive week. A respite inside a cozy day is great then. But I'm in a weird transitional place where I don't quite know which direction to launch in. And a stay-inside day only helps me hide from the feeling that I lack progress.

My better half says I'm being too hard on myself. Because he's loving and kind and he wants to see me be successful. I am not great at being patient, with myself or anything else, so while his words are a tempting siren song...they don't do the job of completely letting myself off the hook. There's always a bit of expectation in the encouragement, and that's what I wire into.  "ZAP!" Get over it. "ZAP!" You're fine. "ZAP!" You are going to do amazing things. "ZAP!" OMG I am failing because I'm not moving forward fast enough!!!!!

Today is cold. Snowy rainy stuff falling from the gray sky. And here I sit in a Panera (free wifi) working on my client project, feeling like a gloomy failure-to-fully-launch, and trying trying trying to scratch and claw my way out of purgatory.