Softening with Age

I can be hard. Much too hard. And I regret it afterward. That's not how I want to be or be seen. Why I'm so quick to that, I'm not sure. So harsh. So much anger directed at whomever has offended me. The dogs, my lovely children, my partner in life. Why??? Where does this come from?

I think back on my childhood and I remember harsh. Hard words. Hard discipline. Hard edges and firm lines. No discussion. Black and white. Is that the truth of it? Or was that my experience as a tender child? I look at my parents in their later stage of life and see such tenderness with a pair of small dogs. So much patience. Such compassion, even for bad behavior. Their grandchildren misbehave and they gently remind. Kindly redirect.

They are softer.

This comes with age and experience? With tiredness? With dampened expectation? What? Where was this gentleness? This softness, when I was 5, when I was 10, when I was 16...?

I have high expectations. I do. I know this. Softening this will be immensely helpful. I am loving, calm and relaxed. Don't make it such a big thing when something unwanted happens. It's all part of it. I want my children to remember the time they knocked down the lamp and it shattered into pieces, and I didn't yell, didn't shame them - I saw their shock and dismay at the accident and I held them, told them I understood, told them they were more important than a lamp, for sure. No worries. It will be okay.  THAT is what I want them to remember. That I am steady and soft. Sthira Sukha. They can trust me, come to me, rely on me, share with me, and I will listen, I will support them, I will understand as best I can. I want to be that parent.

Those harsh, scary, judgmental words...I don't want my children to remember that.