Battle of the Brain

I fell apart today.

My hubby asked, innocently, whether we would want to put the kids back in their old Montessori school. He didn't know it was a trip-wire question.  I didn't know either. But I immediately started crying. Ugly crying. And struggled to get my words out, that yes, I would absolutely do that given the financial resources, that it's my goal and personal failure and I believe Montessori is fundamental to a successful education and better to invest in that foundation in the early years than to throw money at a private high school later on.

This is a bigger burden on me than I've been admitting to myself. It hurts that I can't send my kids to that school. I feel like I send them to an educational parking lot each day. Which isn't fair, but it's how I feel about the [rudimentary] education they're receiving right now at their respective schools. It hurts that I can't afford the private school. Which sounds absurd. Elitist. Spoiled. But it's my kids, and it's the schooling they need, and I believe in the curriculum. I believe ALL schools should follow a Montessori curriculum, ESPECIALLY public elementary schools.

But they don't. Not by a mile. And I lost my job so I can't afford to pay the private tuition. And it ain't cheap.

The plan is to make enough that I can pay it all upfront for the year, and then work on the following year so that I have it ready to go and not have to risk a yo-yo scenario where I pull them out again. It's a big goal. And it's my most important one.

Lately I debate though, in my mind, whether just keeping them in public school is the better play, giving us money for investing in family stuff - new furniture, fun trips, a build out of the backyard... It would be nice to have that flexibility and freedom. I tell myself, since E has finally emotionally adjusted to her new classroom, that she's fine. That it will be fine. That other kids do great in public school. It should be okay. It isn't a failure. Look at all the other parents sending their kids there. Dedicated, adoring parents. This is a normal thing. Let it ride. Be glad for the time they DID have at Montessori. Let that be enough.

And then my left brain gets stormed and overrun by my right.