Much better to float along without expectations and be happily surprised when things go well, than to have grand expectations that erode into puddles of disappointment. Yes? Maybe?
I always said, when helping to raise my step children, that setting expectations was key. The excuses they'd been raised on by their mom didn't seem to get them too far. When you hear, "I knew you could do it," that goes farther for building a child's self esteem than, "Yeah, that was too hard for you." I believed it was far better to expect a good decision, to believe they could reach a higher goal, than to dish out excuses for why they shouldn't try so hard.
Today, as I feel the sting from yet another disappointment that slipped off the back of an out-of-reach expectation, I wonder about the whole notion.
A while back I heard somebody speak about expectations in relationships, specifically marriages. That the real killer of relationships was expectations. You expect him to read your mind. He expects you to be cheerful everyday. You expect him to pick up his shoes and put them away. He expects you to love his mother the same way he does. And so on. Essentially, the wrong expectations. The kind that aren't communicated or agreed on. The kind that erode the ability to see a whole person, with all their faults and talents. The less your partner meets your expectations, the less you see them as part of your team, the less you feel connected to them, the less you want them around.
In my case today, I eighty-percent expected a meeting to happen that was key to getting a great project up and going. And it didn't happen. Shifted to an undefined future date. That's the second great project to slither out from under me. I have no control over this - it's the client's prerogative. Yet, my expectations are dashed, at least for the moment, and it stings. It's scary. I start questioning everything. Seems my patience is getting yet another lap around the track.
The question is: How do we set the right expectations to enable joy? If I expect my husband to read my mind, obviously I am setting myself up for disappointment. That isn't realistic or fair. But if my expectation is that he listens and respectfully considers my thoughts when I share them with him, I think that's reasonable. And when he does, it feels amazing. If I didn't expect him to do that, I might never bother sharing my thoughts with him at all. If I expected my step children to be perfect citizens and conscientious of everyone around them, that was a recipe for disaster. They were still young boys, still growing their frontal lobes, for crying out loud. Expecting them to finish their homework, that was reasonable. But the foundational expectations that came before that had poisoned the well, so everything that came after was doomed to failure.
Our expectations are an exercise in balance and grace, just like everything else. Will I settle for lower expectations in this consultancy challenge I've taken on? Maybe...but I don't intend to give up too easily. My grit will allow for some healthy disappointment along the way. Will I lower my expectations for my marriage and settle for a shallow relationship? Never. And I know that means I'll have many moments of frustration with my spouse (and myself) as we work through the chapters of our life together. Some of that is great because it pushes us. And some of it will be damaging and we'll have to decide if we want to work to heal those bruises. But it all makes us stronger, and able to manage the rough stuff a bit better.
Being intentional with our expectations seems to be a worthy exercise. Not just setting intentions for ourselves, but allowing for some consideration of the context and the flavor of how our goal will materialize. That allows for a long reach, honors the joy of the stretch, and respects the risk of juuuuust missing the trailing edge...
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