Elephant in the Room

I somehow managed to completely miss the biggest Hot Topic in my post yesterday.  Is that Freudian?

I was laid off in October 2017. That's over 1 year ago (!). The new leadership decided she wanted to build her own team, not inherit one, so we all got the boot. I was essentially fired, if I am truthful with how it felt. I felt rejected. Spit out. Dismissed for not being good enough.  There was shock and ugly crying and outright panic. Didn't even see it coming, optimist that I am.

And the next 10 months were spent collecting more rejection. I attacked the job hunt like it was my JOB, getting up on the same schedule at 5:15AM, pouring over job postings, contacting people in my network, joining industry organizations, setting up meetings to build up my network -- All the stuff you're supposed to do to find a new job.  And I failed. Or, rather, I gave up after 10 months. Literally, one day I said, NOPE! No more. DONE with that.

And that's when I decided to use what I know, to use what I'm good at, and start my own thing.

NONE of this has been easy. I have been grappling with my self-worth, my ability, my sense of purpose...  I am on a roller coaster of doubt and delight.

How could it be that nobody wants to hire me? 

How great is it that nobody hired me because LOOK at what I've been able to do! 

How will I possibly make this consultancy work? 

Wow I can totally make this work!

So yeah, I got cut loose. And yeah, it gouged me pretty deep. But I'm working hard to find trust that it was exactly the right detour for my journey. And maybe when this blog is done, after 365 posts, I will have a stronger answer, and that elephant will be triumphantly decorated with celebratory bells.