I love a rainy day

Rainy, gloomy, cold, windy. It's winter and this weather matches my frame of mind. I've noticed lately that when the weather shifts and we get an unseasonable day that brings sun and a warm breeze that I feel a little panicky. What a crazy response. But when I dissect it and try to understand the response, I think it's all about this purgatory I'm in, between being successfully engaged and a disappointing deadbeat.  A rainy day doesn't put pressure on me to be happy, to have my long list of "shoulds" done. It temps me to lay on the couch all day and watch a decorating show (which I never do frankly because, guilt).

There's also a positive side to rainy or snowy stay-inside days. Like the stillness that comes with them. The comfort of holing up inside a warm, safe house. It's like being incubated. No need to venture into the twisty, sharp-edged, vivid world. Just stay inside. Stay in your soft clothes. Comfy cozy.

Yep. And lame.

Fine if I've had an amazingly productive week. A respite inside a cozy day is great then. But I'm in a weird transitional place where I don't quite know which direction to launch in. And a stay-inside day only helps me hide from the feeling that I lack progress.

My better half says I'm being too hard on myself. Because he's loving and kind and he wants to see me be successful. I am not great at being patient, with myself or anything else, so while his words are a tempting siren song...they don't do the job of completely letting myself off the hook. There's always a bit of expectation in the encouragement, and that's what I wire into.  "ZAP!" Get over it. "ZAP!" You're fine. "ZAP!" You are going to do amazing things. "ZAP!" OMG I am failing because I'm not moving forward fast enough!!!!!

Today is cold. Snowy rainy stuff falling from the gray sky. And here I sit in a Panera (free wifi) working on my client project, feeling like a gloomy failure-to-fully-launch, and trying trying trying to scratch and claw my way out of purgatory.

If I wanna be a writer, how come I'm not writing?

My knuckle is healing. Finally. I can now type with both hands and all 10 of my digits fairly well.

Being in a cast put a huge damper on my interest in writing. And writing with a pen on paper, which used to be my favorite thing and I could easily do because I'm left handed, is just too slow and sloppy and far too easy to cheat on.

Now I'm out of excuses to write (type) and I'm finding that I have to force myself to do it.

When I drive around in my vehicle (which is my preferred place to think - I guess because it's both passive and active, so I can focus and yet not be stagnant) and I think about what I want to do with this next phase of my life, I keep coming back to writing. Being an author. A real one. So I'm edging closer and closer to this idea of creating something written. Something real. A book.

Why is this so difficult? If I want it so bad, why am I putting it off with every available excuse?

Writing offers me all the things I want: flexibility and freedom, a creative outlet, and use of my talent. It might actually offer me a source of income too, if in fact I can count on writing being a talent.

1,000 words is a ton of words. I checked it out. Writing assignments are really what I need. Like, on a set schedule. And getting up early to write might be the best option for me...less distractions and a nice healthy dose of pressure to get the words down before the littles rouse for breakfast. Plus I'm pretty clear headed in the morning.

So instead of writing about writing, I will write. Present tense. I am writing a book. Piece by 1,000 word piece.

Be Sweet

I've been leaning pretty hard on my mantra these past few days. Repeating it to myself between clenched teeth, searching for my breath, trying to get back into the present where it's all good.

Even with a great plan in place, I still struggle. Example just today: All afternoon I worked to prepare a valentine cake, a pot of bolognese, homemade pasta, all as a labor of love for my three amazing valentines. But as I put the finishing touches on and scrambled to put it all on the table, I found myself short on patience, quick to judgement. Raining on my own parade that was meant to celebrate my lovelies.

All I want to be is sweet. Why is that so hard for me?

Buying Time

It occurs to me that the project work I'm doing right now feels more like a way to extend my current lifestyle (which is, honestly, a refreshingly casual one), rather than a path to financial stability. It fills the large gaps. You could say it's enabling me to remain in career limbo.

The odd thing is, I think I'm okay with that. At least while the gaps are filling. Being financially strapped is NOT the plan I had for my mid-career self. In fact, I was thinking I had momentum. I was feeling my oats and really believing that I was an up-and-comer. So if/when the gap gets bigger, and I'm not seeing a magical way to fill it, there's gonna be a problem.

The thing I really know about myself right now is that I love being here, home, around my kids, watering my plants, feeding my dogs, all that. If I could have this and send my kids back to their school and know that this is my new norm, I would be content. At least for now. While I sort out what my next Big Thing is.

Release

This week of 40 Days is focused on Tapas. This is the heat you build that melts away resistance. The idea is that Tapas helps to detox, rinse away, reset. Stripping away layers that get in the way of possibility and transformation. I can't say enough about how yoga does this for me. It's my reset. Beyond good sex, I haven't found a better release for anxiety or stress.

When I first started practicing at a studio (instead of the random class at a gym, or a dvd) I was in the most toxic work environment I have ever experienced. Whether I found yoga, or yoga found me, it became a regular commitment in my routine. I had NO IDEA what I was doing, but nobody seemed to mind (they were in their own flow, oblivious, as I now understand). And the poses were SO HARD, I was utterly exhausted, dripping sweat and feeling absolutely wrung out after every class. In Savasana I was a puddle of tears, finding total emotional release. All the toxic draining out through my pores, through my tear ducts.

Now that I am stronger (much stronger) and more confident in my practice, I keep wondering if it will get old. If the effect will wear off. But I'm going almost daily for the 40 Days program right now, and the release keeps me coming back for more.

So much of what our brain is doing gets etched into our body. The wiring. The messaging. Twisting and tightening. The physical work, deep into the muscle tissue, extended along the entire spine, this is the work that has to be done to release the mind.

And when we are released? We can feel possibility. We can transform out of old thought patterns, old behavior patterns. We can tap into our inner genius. We can truly bloom.

Vegan Cheat

I am really glad I gave myself the vegan challenge. I get it. I feel better. I like the food. And I want to stay as close to it as I can without disrupting my family's eating preferences.

I held true to the principles for most of January, until I went to Utah and had to fudge a little because I didn't want to be "that girl" who wouldn't indulge in the amazing food being offered. I mean, there isn't a real reason why I can't eat animal based food. So I ate some cheese and some meat, and interestingly I felt the effects of that. It changed my body rhythm.

Food is such a fundamental, and growing up with ample food I don't think I ever saw it as the daily medicine that it is. Put good stuff in and you have better energy, better skin, clearer thinking, a clearer conscience. Simple as that.

I'm avoiding dairy now. That's hard, but almost daily I hear about influential people who shifted their health habits and did the same thing. Our culture of food is shifting. It's good. The next thing on my list to assess is sugar. Word on the street (everywhere) is that sugar is toxic. Time to try eliminating that and seeing how that affects me...

Robin Sharma says you need all of these things for transformation: mindset, heartset, soulset, and healthset. I'm truly working on all four, and while I may cheat, I am doing pretty well on nutrition considering the rotten place I started from (uhm, McDonald's #2 meal anyone??? So Bad!).

Meditation Makes Me Cry

I love podcasts lately. The creative thought leaders inspire me,  and the one I listened to today was no exception. He (Robin Sharma) shared that it is FACT: each and every single one of us has GENIUS inside. Most of us just let STUFF get in the way of it, especially today with all the handheld digital distractions peppering our mind with intermittent focus all day long. Genius requires reflection. Isolation even. It was suggested to cordon ourselves away for 4 hours each day to cultivate our focus and help our genius emerge. I was very excited by this notion and even started visualizing a studio of my own (which shifted to dedicated time at the library, a more practical solution for the time being).

So my pump was already primed when I headed to the 40 Days meeting. We went around the room and shared experiences from Week 3, and there was healthy discussion about meditation. Most of us struggle with it, and think we're probably doing it wrong. Which was debunked by the facilitator, who encouraged us to be less judgmental about it, just relax into it. When she led us in a guided meditation, part of the regular weekly meeting format, I had my mind open to just accepting the thoughts that came, and letting them go. And for whatever reason, I started weeping. Like, made the whole front of my shirt wet weeping.

Now, you tell me what that's about. What is going on in my head to make me crumble at the very small effort of being with my thoughts, being with my breath? I have been avoiding this part of the program. Maybe deliberately. Maybe there's a scary bridge to cross here.

That quote by Rumi: "You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens." This process of learning and growing, stretching, getting stronger, it isn't like a spa experience. Unless it's like a bootcamp kind of spa-weight-loss thing. This is supposed to be uncomfortable. This is work.

Shit. I really gotta meditate, huh?