Step Family

I think this is a topic that I could write a whole book on. Because I feel so many things about it, and experienced a lengthy (this is relative) step-parenting chapter in my life.

And there's a ton of touchy stuff to tiptoe around. Because it's not pretty. And people could get hurt. People who have already had enough hurt. So the telling needs to be done properly, and in a way that delivers the message I want to deliver, which is: Being a step parent is lonely, but you're not alone in feeling that way.

I read book after book. I went into it with what I believed was the right attitude. I tried what I knew to try with the tools that I had. And I sucked. There wasn't a book that made sense of anything. There were tons of "do this do that" and things will be great - all putting a frigging smiley face on something that was awkward and painful and exasperating. Nobody understood. And I was marinating in guilt and self-loathing. And anger.

Blending families can be great. I'm sure of it. I have a lovely bit of evidence in my neighborhood - they are poster-ready blended-family happiness extraordinaire. That wasn't my experience. It almost broke my marriage. It almost broke me. And the kids didn't end up in a great place either.

So I want to write a book that shares my story, and offers perspective that I might have benefited from during that confusing time. Perspective that I might have been able to lean on, giving me strength to try maybe a different tack. Or maybe just breathe. Breathing would have been good.

One thing that I know resonates with some other step moms is the conflicted notion that I both loved and resented my step children at the same time. [Oh the horror! You can't admit that!] But truly, it's tough because on one hand (if you're like me and you didn't believe you could have children of your own) you're so glad for the opportunity to be a "mom" and you love those kids because they're HIS kids, yet at the very same time, you deeply resent them because they are HIS kids and they don't really feel any connection to you. You're always on the inside doing the heavy lifting, yet you're always on the outside looking in. It's exhausting. And if you don't have the right expectations, it can be downright depression-inducing.

Maybe there's a book out there that does a better job today. But I still think sharing my personal story will help somebody. Even if it's just to commiserate a bit so they don't feel so desperately helpless.