This is 45

I love #thisis45 as a hashtag. Like a "dig this" badge you can stick on anything you like.

Brené says we're unraveling in midlife. Unraveling to rebuild. I can see that, feel that. I know my 20's were a mess of figuring out the whole adulting thing through a series of high risk experiments. My 30's were when I finally got traction and carved out a direction for myself. And my 40's are full of reassessment and reflection, deciding what works for me, and what doesn't. And not caring much about the stuff that used to have me so self-conscious. It's nice. I like that freedom.

Something I wish I could have helped myself with was being able to laugh a bit at myself. But that takes a level of comfort in my skin that I just didn't have when I was younger. I avoided situations that might showcase my awkwardness, my lack of athleticism. When I said the wrong thing, I flushed red hot. When I got caught in a situation where I felt foolish, I would lash out, or worse, fall apart in embarrassed, mortified tears. Cowardly behavior. And so painful.

I love my mantra [I am loving, calm and relaxed] because I think it helps me get over the dumb stuff I might say or do. That stuff hasn't changed (still awkward and say wrong things all the time), but the way I feel about it and react is getting much better. Easier. Less concerned. I can actually laugh at myself when others are laughing, or even when they're not. How great is that?

I'm no confidence queen, but I don't have the same expectations of perfection in myself that I used to have. And that allows a softer response. I'm taking myself less seriously, and more realistically. More lovingly.

Man, that feels like a bit of blooming right there.