I miss my brother

This is one of those deep seated ouchy topics. Because it isn't about missing my brother in the "Gosh I haven't seen you in so long" kind of missing. It's the "I used to have a brother but now he's disappeared from my life by his choosing" kinda thing.  He has a new family, his wife's family, and he doesn't choose us anymore.

I sound (and look) a lot like my mom. I can hear her voice and even her words coming out of my mouth. Her mannerisms. The way she makes faces. I feel it in my forehead, my lips. Becoming my mother. And this doesn't help my relationship with my brother. Because he has unresolved issues with my parents, and I remind him of the reasons why he doesn't want to hang out with us.  This is my theory anyway. Why else would you opt out of holidays and vacation opportunities where our kids (cousins!!) could hang out and know each other, build family relationships? I want my kids to know his kids. I want to know my nieces.

And the finger pointing could start there and never end.

Have I done all that I could to be a great aunt to them?  No.  Has he done anything to try to connect with his niece and nephew?  Nope.  And back and forth we could go.  Doesn't help move to a solution. I'd like to build from the possibility that we could have a relationship again.

My parents and I, we're not cool people. We're awkward. Sometimes that isn't easy to be around, especially if you're terrified that you're like us. So avoiding us might be easy. You might be able to easily round up excuses to avoid time with us. Put all the blame on our side. Make it sound, to yourself, like we never try, we don't understand you, we aren't any fun, and justify all those trips to see family on the other side of your marriage.  Convenience factor doesn't hurt either.

I feel rejected by my brother. He's my family; family is supposed to love me no matter what. Maybe he loves me, but just doesn't like me. Or, doesn't like me enough to make the stretch to get our families together.

In any event, it hurts and I miss him. I miss what our relationship should be. Could be.  This next year, I will look to the possibility that we can create that...and see how I might foster a careful, no pressure reconnection.