Fair-weather Friend?

I have a terrible history as a friend. Bad track record. I have a long list of breakups that were often rooted in my unwillingness to be an accepting and open-hearted, non-judgemental friend. I am feeling some heavy regret on this point.

I wanna be a better friend, a better human, and give others the same tolerance, patience, and simple grace that others have so generously gifted to me. I am not going to use the excuse of, "I was a dumb kid (young adult), too immature and self-centered to be a good friend." And I'm going to avoid bludgeoning myself for what I did in the past (oooh, mean stuff) that I can no longer fix -- this is about letting that old debris go so I can be better each day going forward. A little better every day is the goal.

What is it that makes some people so great at this? At being judgement-free friends? I have always had secret crushes on these people; they are so mature and calm and nurturing without losing their own balance. Huh, maybe that's it: they are able to separate themselves and see it more from a neutral point of view. Like, as in, from a place of self, non-threatened by what others are feeling or how they're acting. Just able to root into their own belonging and reach out to others to offer compassionate support. These folks don't seem diminished after they've supported (tolerated!) me -- they seem just fine. Like, no big deal, "I love you, babe, don't be so hard on yourself. You're wonderful and you're doing the best you can." They have that magical sense of self. And it feels great to be around them, to call them a friend.

I think I've often sought to crawl up inside someone and be CLOSE to them, to KNOW them and be BEST friends (I've never really had a best friend, aside from elementary school, and she didn't stick by me beyond 7th grade). That makes me far too invested in THEM and when I don't agree with their behavior or their decisions, then I get super critical and seek to "correct" them, which is a rotten thing for a friend to do. Unless you really are like a sister and can get away with tough love because you have actual unconditional love for this person. I was the opposite of unconditional. When it got too frustrating, I would blow up and that would be the end of that relationship. Nice.

So considering my thought process here, my quest to BLOOM, to find my voice, to root down so I can reach up, that journey is helping me to become more aligned within myself. To trust myself. To accept that I am okay, that I'm enough. With that, my friendships can become true investments in other people's grace and sense of self-belonging. I'm not looking for a twin. I'm looking to connect with people and share in their joy and frustration and sorrow and just be there with them. Building community.

I'm definitely a better friend today than I was 10 years ago. Lightyears better. I think it's because I've been forced to evolve -- practicing parenting and adjusting to career changes and working on my marriage -- I've done a bit of growing up. There's no fear of not being perfect. I absolutely know that perfection isn't the goal (I am humbled on a routine basis). "Practice makes better," got it. Being okay with where I am and feeling enabled to go after what I want, that's a great feeling that I'm getting a better sense of each day. I don't want to look back too much, because it's tough [I cringe at what I see]. But I think I'd been searching in the wrong places. I want to be a GREAT friend, a giving and supportive human who authentically connects with them and gives them a sense of who I really am. Because I am enough. And that is where it has to start.