The Big Fat Fear

I'm terrified of something and it's getting in the way of me feeling like I can be successful as a professional.

I am terrified that I am not smart enough.

Having done well in school, all the way up through high school with the exception of math related subjects, I don't believe that I'm stupid at all. And I believe I can learn things. But I have this awful sense that I have a limited intellect.

This is not something you're supposed to tell anyone or talk about. It's like telling your mortgage company that you lost your job and might need help on the monthly payments. Doesn't help you.

But nobody is reading this blog, and this is top of mind today, so we're out with it.

Where is this fear coming from: I can't remember things that I read. Something I read yesterday, I forget what the main point was. I rarely if ever remember a quote or the name of someone who did something remarkable. I'm often stumbling in conversation because I can't think of a suitable follow up comment, or can't contribute with the name of a good author or movie director. I can't debate - my brain doesn't think fast enough, isn't savvy enough to come up with a skillful retort. My brain has limited running capacity - and there's like a scrim hiding the shriveled, underdeveloped braincells so other people believe me to be this bright, educated person but really, I have everybody fooled.

What do I do with this? I am hungry to learn, but I don't have a strong sense of direction helping guide me to gain mastery in something and allow me to be the expert on something truly valuable. So I'm all over the place, and mastering nothing.

My fear, of being inadequate, is not something I'm alone in. I know that. "Everybody" feels that way. But I feel like I'm expected to be smarter than I am, and that I should be successful in a field that requires intellect. And I just don't know how I'm going to get there...